BREAKING: Millennials Rank The Desk Phone As Top Technology Tool of the 21st Century
 

SAN FRANCISCO, CA. - A new report by United Employees for Desk Phones (UEDP), revealed what many industry insiders have suspected all along -  millennials adore desk phones.

Survey respondents overwhelmingly cited the lack freedom and the restricted mobility that the desk phone offers as "comforting". “People love being attached to a desk and a desk phone,” said Bill Sisko the President of UEDP. “Employees love the safety and stability that the desk phone provides. It’s a powerful symbol of enduring strength in the fast-paced and turbulent modern work environment.”

Millennial sales leader Jennifer Shortelle chimed in “While it’s annoying to miss business critical phone calls and lose the opportunity to close deals because my prospects don’t have a way to reach me outside my office, my desk phone makes me feel like I have a real, important, grown up job.”

Customer support team lead Rick Sentral added “While the 10 pound phone and cord can sometimes literally feel like a ball and chain, there’s nothing more satisfying than mashing the receiver into the cradle after a particularly challenging call. That release alone is worth the thousands of dollars in lost productivity and efficiency across my team.”

The report noted that while most employees don’t know how to use 92.357% of the buttons on most desk phones today, it ultimately doesn’t matter. “Look, the fact that all the blinking lights and unmarked buttons go unused each and every day is beside the point,” stated Mr. Sisko. “People have grown used to this and it provides a certain sense of comfort to see those blinking lights. Especially around the holidays.”

An anonymous survey respondent further added “Listen, there are no analytics on my calls -  as long as the phone is in my ear, it looks like I’m super busy and productive. And who doesn’t love that?”

The full report is slated for release by end of day April 1, 2017.

 
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